September 29, 2009

Every day I wake to new and exciting and sometimes terrifying changes to the landscape of my body. I’m thrilled to watch my belly button slowly flatten out with the rising of my belly. It’s like there’s a loaf of bread in there, and it’s rising fast. I felt the first movements last week. But there’s always just a little shadow over my excitement.

What happens if I stop feeling those little kicks and punches? What if I wake up one morning and I feel like I’m being ripped in two pieces, in a puddle on my sheets? My mantra is always, one more week. If I can make it one more week, then I can stop worrying. I can’t NOT think of it. I can’t not think of my tiny baby girl, so tiny and so young that she didn’t make it.

I think about what she would look like, how old she would be, the things she would be doing and saying, what kind of person she would be right now. Would she be waiting for the arrival of her new sibling, or would I even be pregnant right now? How would Ava have changed my life if she was still here? How different would it be?

I can’t help thinking about these things, even as I’m looking forward to meeting the mastermind behind all this nacho cheese craving and 4 am wake-up calls.


Things That Would Make Me Happy

September 27, 2009

– White plastic coat hangers

– New pillow for the other side of the bed, plus new pillows for the pillow shams

– New percale sheets

– Some kind of essential oil so that my house doesn’t stink

– Getting rid of my hideous desk, TV, and TV stand in the bedroom.

– Fixing the antique lamp my grandmother gave me

– Completely clearing out my closet

– Painting my room a different color

– To be rid of this awful nausea issue I’m having

– For it to be Friday at noon again

Lucky People

September 27, 2009

At the beginning of the summer, J went to bingo for the first time. He won about $100 from bingo itself. He also bought some kind of drawing ticket that doesn’t go until the end of the day.

We were watching TV when the phone call came and J started jumping up and down and shouting. He had won $500 from the ticket.

Last night I went to the Ohio Sportsmen club’s raffle/steak fry. My dad and I had two tickets, with each ticket being for two people. I brought J with me, even though I didn’t want to. He asked me to pick which ticket I thought would be the winner. I picked 52 since it’s my lucky number backwards. He said, “If 53 ends up in the last five, I’ll…”

In the raffle were about 90 tickets, and 52 was in the last five. If the five people could agree, they split the money. If not, the tickets get drawn until it’s down to one.

We split, and each got $200. I split it with J and I’m $70 richer.

Are we lucky or what?

I Caught Wedding Fever

September 26, 2009

After a day that seemed to about nothing but weddings, I found myself wrapped up in the idea for the first time.

I just finished reading Shopaholic Ties the Knot, and I was watching Maxie and Spinelli’s wedding on soaps yesterday, and I started to really think about weddings and marriage and all the details.

I still want to get married at the courthouse. But I would have to step over my mother’s dead body to get into the building, and that just sucks all the fun out of it. So I guess when the time comes I will have a wedding. I’ve never been much of a girly-girl though, and my experience with weddings is very limited. So I would have no idea how to plan the damn thing.

The only things that stick out in my mind as being important to wedding planning are where it’s at, what I’m wearing, and how I’m going to feed people at the reception. Oh, and I’m the tiniest bit covetous of engagement rings. I want one of those. I’ve never owned an actual nice ring.

Where it’s going to take place: Hopefully in a nice building. Maybe a church. But not my family’s church.

What I’m wearing: A white dress. Probably strapless. Not really poofy, but not completely un-poofy. An engagement ring. And my hair will be long and maybe half-up. Are veils that important?

How I’ll feed people at the reception: Liquor. And I want pizza and chicken, with a couple sides I’ve heard of and would actually eat and get full from.

I’m really picky about jewelry. I want a protected setting that doesn’t stick up an inch off my finger. This is the ring I would get if I were buying my own:
Anything that stays on my hand is going to have to take abuse. So preferably something like 18k or platinum. The actually gems don’t have to be big or particularly expensive.

This is all that I deem as important as far as wedding planning is concerned. Would you like a wedding and reception like that?

Happy Birthday to Me

September 25, 2009

My sister and I are 23 years old today. I was born at 5:15 AM, while my sister was born at 5:10. She still brags that she has five minutes on me, and lorded it over me when we were children.

So far I have received a new book, a trip to Cici’s, and a Dairy Queen ice cream cake with Reese’s Cups crumbled on top. Also, two singing phone calls and a “Think of it as a birthday present. I’m giving you an extra hour of work. That’s a whole eight dollars!”

Later I will have my parents over to visit, when I will receive my last birthday present.

The best present by far? The movements of little feet.

Some Facts About Today

September 24, 2009

– I walked around today with my pants unbuttoned. If anyone noticed, they didn’t say anything.

– Tomorrow (related to today) is my 23rd birthday.

– J came with me to one of my doctor visits. On the way out, he was being obnoxious and wouldn’t unlock the passenger door. I exclaimed loudly, “We’ll see now if anything in our house gets sucked tonight!” The man in the passenger seat of the next car over looked around excitedly, like he hoped he had walked onto the set of a porn movie in the parking lot of Paragon Health.

– Today I learned why the woman in my CSS/XHTML class has such a young child. She is 43, her husband is 50, they have had six pregnancies, and their only daughter is seven months old. She was very open about her experience, which she was discussing in the hallway with the instructor and I, waiting for the class to start. When she mentioned the worry involved in not knowing if her advanced maternal age would have serious effects on her baby, the instructor expressed curiousity about why Down Syndrome appears to be so much more prevalent now than when he was younger. To my surprise, the woman said it’s because there is so much inbreeding happening that people never know about. As in, two people being related and not knowing it, and then having children together. She said she and her husband had genetic testing to ensure that they weren’t related. I haven’t heard about this before, despite that fact that I’ve had genetic testing. I suggested it was partially due to women putting off child-rearing longer, in favor of having careers first, but her response was interesting. Anyone have input on that?

– I was invited to go bow-fishing in a row-boat tonight. Can you just see it? Me perched precariously over the side of the boat with a crossbow, whispering, “SHINE THAT THERE LIGHT THIS WAY, JIM-BOB!” as I take aim. Now just add to that the fact that I am 16 weeks pregnant, and it instantly becomes the material of sitcoms and e-mails with pictures of rednecks.

– I swear I have a mathematic learning disability (dyscalculia). It all makes sense! The inability to read an analog clock! Having trouble differentiating left and right. Trouble counting change or estimating measurements and distances. Transposing numbers. Difficulty in games with flexible rules for scoring (I HATE card games). I have either a learning disability or hypochondria.

– Someone at the store tried to touch me today! Touch! Me! Oh hell naw. I almost tore that woman’s arm off in my hurry to make her STOP TOUCHING ME AND MY BELLY. It’s still attached to me. I suspect I’ll be dealing with this way after I deliver, since I expect it will happen preterm, and you’re not supposed to touch tiny babies because you could KILL them with your germs.

– Ice cream cakes can be brought to my house at any time tomorrow. Please and thanks.

They Don’t Mess Around

September 23, 2009

I went for my ultrasound early this morning. I had already pre-registered over the phone, so all I had to do was walk into the hospital, head to radiology, and sign one form and get a wristband.

The ultrasound tech had warm gel! I was overly excited about that. She covered me in it and then proceeded to poke around my upper abdomen for 20 minutes. I saw my gallbladder, pancreas, kidneys, spleen, etc. I love looking at the pictures so it was neat, except for when she kept jabbing me in the rib. I was disappointed that she never strayed low enough to get a peek into the uterus, but I’m sure I’ll get another chance soon.

I hate waiting. When it was over I stopped to wipe all the gel off myself and she told me it would be a four day wait unless they found something horribly wrong, in which case they would tell my doctor right away. I don’t want to wait four days. I want to stop being sick all the time! I hope they find whatever it is.