Feeling Guilty

December 21, 2009

I’m feeling guilty for wanting this pregnancy to be over. All I ever wanted was to get pregnant and stay that way for 40 weeks. After all my miscarriages before 10 weeks, I thought it would never happen. But here I am, almost 29 weeks pregnant, and wishing it was over and that I had my baby here in the outside world. I’m so huge and heavy, and tired. I’m still adjusting to being so big I can barely see my belly button, so I keep bumping into door frames and the edges of tables.

I’m still looking at different birthing centers and hospitals, but I really want to find a birthing center that feels right, before I have to go on bedrest. I’m going to ask my midwife for some suggestions a little further away from the area where I live, just so I can look at a few more before I make a decision. I’ve really stepped it up with the healthy eating and exercising and everything, because there is no way I am going to have a C-section unless it’s absolutely necessary. I also don’t want a hospital birth if I can help it. I’ll never forget the pushy asshole doctor I had last time, and I am going to avoid another scene like that at all costs.

And now I’m off to take a nap.

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27 Weeks

December 10, 2009

What a week. Somehow, I never considered

1) what it would be like to drive in bad weather while enormously pregnant. It’s a good thing I avoid driving at all costs, even without snow and high winds.

2) how hard it might be to try and finish the last week of the semester when all I want to do is float in a giant pool of warm water.

Yesterday I woke up and my belly button had popped out. I was really hoping it would stay where it belongs, because mine is gross. There were skin tags inside my belly button, and now they are outside and it’s just sick.

It also started snowing yesterday. We had a wind advisory and ended up losing power at work. There’s a little bitta snow on the ground today and I’m bummed because now I really cannot put off buying a new coat. I will probably only wear it for a couple of months and end up sending it to Haven of Rest because I would look ridiculous wearing an oversized coat. I’m short and mostly skinny, except in the front, so everything long sleeved always goes over my hands and my pants always get ripped up at the bottoms from dragging the ground. My current coat just looks stupid because it’s long at the back and really short at the front where it is struggling to cover me and stay zipped up. Basically I look like I have a basketball stuck under my shirt.

90 days to go.


A Little Weight Off

December 3, 2009

I’ve really been under the gun for a couple weeks now. I’ve had the last week of the semester looming over me:

  1. A portfolio consisting of two previously completed essays and a reflective letter analyzing them according to an extensive rubric
  2. A term paper with the research question “What do people get from religion?” (I know, I know, I’ll explain how that happened, some other time) and my own attempt at “entering the academic conversation” by saying that all religious people are looking for the same exact things
  3. A journal consisting of six previously completed reader responses, of which I had only completed five and only found four in my room
  4. A six page website following the criteria set by the instructor, along with a navigation model and a proposal paper for the fictional client
  5. A chapter of work for my Computer Apps class. It’s not hard, but there’s a lot of work

I’ve also resigned myself to the fact that I am going to fail my intro to algebra class. My mother found out and keeps nagging me about it.

I finished the first 3 items and turned everything in, so some of that weight is off, but I am still kind of nervous about how my financial aid is going to turn out since I’m going to fail math, and I haven’t actually been to my internet design class in a week and a half. I can’t wait until this semester is over, but unfortunately next semester is going to be the challenge of my life.


Clear the Roads

December 1, 2009

I had a mini-meltdown today. I have let things pile up for awhile and for the past three days it has all been falling down around me, and I am not handling it so well.

My term paper and another tedious reflective letter are due on Wednesday. I have not touched either of them. I am going to fail my algebra class. I have a small website to design as the final for my internet/intranet design class. I attempted to start on all of these things today, by totally crashing at 9:30PM and waking up four hours later.

J and I must have experienced a fracture or a break in our relationship. Some rather nasty things were said by both of us, and I remember crying a lot and asking why he was being so mean. Then he went home and argued with some other people, right before his big hunting trip. Then last night his whole bad energy situation reached boiling point and he ended up getting attacked by someone in my backyard and now has a black eye and a wounded sense of man-pride.. I can’t stop thinking about all those terrible things we said. I know we both meant them, and now it’s festering away while we are ignoring the whole spat in favor of making his trip a tiny bit more enjoyable.

My mouth has stopped hurting, but now it is my face that hurts, specifically my upper jaw, which is super sore.

When I came home from class today I sat and cried in the driveway for a little bit. I really shouldn’t let things get so out of control before I try to fix them.